Hunting me

Hammering the head against the wall,
filling face with blood,
popping the veins out,
ripping heart out of chest, but
I am on the run to hunt myself.
Jumping into those blue waters,
watching everything go dark,
sensing them around
signalling to leave the place, but
I am on the run to hunt myself.
Wandering across the distant land,
meeting with the drifters,
listening to those desperate cries,
feeling the agitation in the air, but
I am on the run to hunt myself.
Entering into the colosseum,
listening to the chanting names,
struggling with irons,
observing those coming spears, but
I am on the run to hunt myself.
Lying in the cradle,
hearing her sing,
dreaming with eyes wide open,
attempting to get out, but
I am just an infant.
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Afraid Of

Gazing at stars, he took birth but
so afraid to let go, kept his eyes shut
far far away from the noise of this new-built city
he was asleep in the shade of chestnut.

The way he walked, marked a cut
rendering his life in a rut
shattering his bones
making him a brut.

His heart shakes every time, a storm passes by,
blocking it with more disgust
even air appears to be an attack,
filling his nostrils with undesirable break & dust.

Veins on the verge of explosion,
flowing rivers of tears,
spilled blood on the floor,
longest journey ahead for the peace, but
lies there a fact not known to him,
about a hidden diamond which is just yet uncut.

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Recursive Meditation: A tool to build your mind and body

Disclaimer: This post isn’t about how to meditate or about the workout routine, diet tips etc to get that chiseled look. Later about that may be. 🙂

Success is broken, goal is shattered & path to it is singular so that being said, one cannot find complete happiness at the end of it. Go somewhere else, do something else, if that’s the only motive.

You see, there is always something lacking. I think, it has to be this way if not we’d all be just… brittle. And strange thing is people adapts all sorts of techniques or processes to achieve what’s not there, and yet never reaching to the saturation point. Well, I am no exception. These things can’t be taught, can only be learnt by making mistakes and takes years, you realize here, what I’m talking about, “That tenuous sole connection between our mind and soul.”

Basically, it all started with a roar, “You’re gonna keep doing reps, till I say so.” one more, one more… and no-one really knows on what number, counter stopped. I’ve had seen such incidents in movies but never had it happened with me. Pump was great and I was confused. How did I actually do that? What kept me going? Why did my muscles not went nuts in previous sets but this one? The answer was simple but tough to grasp and even adapt. One gotta take control of mind & generation of thoughts; be it positive or negative. Taking control of that ongoing battle whether I should continue or drop it.  It’s like controlling your thoughts to control the mind which are controlled by mind itself, see, this is what I call meditation; a recursive one. Mediation is generally considered as a practice to train your mind to induce a mode of consciousness in which you’re supposed to sit on a place and focus on one thing. But I think it as a 24 hours practice, in which you fight with all sorts of dark energy which is invariably demanding to put you on your knees. 

So, these two things mind and body are tied to each other with a thin line called pain which comes in varities. Our whole life revolves around it from birth to death yet we keep looking for ways to dodge it; irrespective of the fact that, it is imperative. Sooner we realise this, the sooner we’ll be master of our body and mind. But this cannot happen overnight, it’s a continual struggle till one dies and you need this, believe or not, to fail, to succeed, to get that relieve that otherwise would never come. 

That’s the secret, this is the limitation, everyone seem to be searching for, mind-muscle control. Once you transcend it, no time & space exists for you anymore. You reach into the state where what you imagine, becomes reality. You create an image of end-result and becomes desperately obsessed with it that you do whatever it takes to make that a reality. And this image doesn’t have to be some really farfetched vision but could be simpler things like watching myself completing this post in next hour or watching myself going for those 20 reps, even if I ended up tearing my muscles apart. You see our mind works pretty much like water, as water takes the shape of whatever container holds it, whether it be in a glass or a vessel or a seashore. Likewise, our mind will fabricate itself according to the thoughts/images. That’s how one’s destiny is created. To change the visible part, we have to first change the invisible. People often neglect this step and work tirelessly to change the external. This might save you a breath or two, but you won’t be able to dive deep with it.

Let’s take a smooth yet influential example. Have you ever seen any athlete practicing? Why do they practice so hard, while the reality is comparatively easy? Why soldiers has to go through rigorous training? It’s to keep them ready for the sake of deterrence. This is to break them mentally so nothing, absolutely nothing comes as surprise later. Another quick example would be, individuals working out set after set hitting weights, simply “moving weights around”, without even realising that it’s all waste because targeted muscle isn’t fatigued yet or may be the motion has become compound movement unknowingly and some other muscle group is being worked upon now. So, secret is, to establish a direct connection between the brain and muscle seeking to be targeted, then only full contraction can happen, then only it gets developed. Right (?), we believe in stones blindly, then how hard it is to believe in the only one thing that’s truly ours. As they say “Practice doesn’t make you perfect, perfect practice makes you perfect.”

Lots on mind, pen down for now…

Malnourished flame of love

Since thousands of years, I am headed to that flame
heard she’s glowing somewhere far far away
heard she’s a desire not the part of fire
shaky yet definite, tender yet mature, thin yet efficient.

Heard she’s mad when wind rustle through the trees
obliging for a conversion into fire
asking to hold her to put an end to this restlessness
reading an anecdote to close her eyes.

Heard she’s sad when they don’t adore her warmth
tests your patience to see if it flee
giggles with you till tear roll down your eye
stares with those biggest brown eyes till you are lost.

Heard she’s the reason for so many to live
yet the reason to give all and die
yet the reason for understanding love
yet the reason for believing in angel from up above.

Heard she’s yellowish-orange like sun
but fair enough to take your breathe away
heard she’s hot like lava
but soft enough to slip out of hands
Heard she’s the one, the dream, the star, the heart, the truth,
the fun, the therapist,
but never realised she’s the feeling of contentment and
the young love.

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When I’m on roads

When I’m on roads,
I see big trucks, I see little cycles,
Chasing each other,
I’m so frightened when a hole is missed on roads.

When I’m on roads,
I see lights, I see dark,
Moving away like I’m a criminal,
I’m so frightened when I see red on roads.

When I’m on roads,
I see smiles, I see tears,
Fighting each other,
I’m so frightened when I see jam on roads.

When I’m on roads,
I see a mare, I see a bier,
Mocking at each other,
I’m so frightened when I find water on roads.

When I’m on roads,
I see football, I see hockey sticks,
Loosing respect in the hearts,
I’m so frightened when I’m forced to stop on roads.

When I’m on roads,
I hear blessings, I hear imprecates,
Bringing life on earth,
I’m so frightened when I’m lying on roads.

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Lights Out!

Close your eyes & you found out,
you see,
but world revolves with a doubt,
light is gone, life is gone,
all that remains is a mark of clout.

I miss those days when I walk about,
Had a peace of mind that
I am trying to figure out,
and heard a voice “come about”,
but the next moment I was, totally, freaked out.

I saw when water fell out,
but as if I knew,
blood will burn out,
My heart shouts, when lights are out.

I could see them building a route,
does that mean she is gonna walkout?
I see the men cry out, the girls cry out,
this world is running out,
Thy mighty love, O God, help us out.

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I came to know, I am in Gurgaon

Temperature Stats:
Room: 21 Degree Celsius
Outside: 27 Degree Celsius
My mind: 48 Degree Celsius

Can you even imagine how furiously I am burning from inside? No you can’t! Unless it happens with you, god forbid!
I didn’t have any idea, what kind of hell ‘that girl‘ must’ve been going through, till now.  I totally understand there is no comparison. These moments have torn apart my self-esteem literally. What happened? So …

We were damn hungry, so plan was to go out & get something to eat. Abhinav had a meeting but that has just got postponed, so he left office with me too.  As soon as, we reached to the nearest metro station, it had been decided to get dinner directly. So that was it. On another note,  I was quite happy because I successfully recovered my phone after 15 hours hard work & got ICS on it. Well, I must say, I had no idea it’s all going to fade in few minutes. Gurgaon is place holding up variety of people & 90% of them has no idea what & why they are doing it, and the reason is they are drunk. So as I & him was discussing about halabol & stuff, we encountered 5 out of those 90% assholes to be exact. You know, it is very rare to see stars in the sky of gurgaon due to all that dust & pollution, but I just saw many, awesome, isn’t it? I can bet, you will see too after getting slapped so tightly many times. I can’t remember exact number but it should be around 5-7, oh no, not stars, to calculate stars multiply with 4-5 I guess, so it comes out around 35. Well dude, 35, so rare in this bloody sky.

They took away lots of money + phone worth INR [ do you really need this much of detailing? ], they wanted more [that includes our machines + another phone]. Here they go, one more shot right away on my left cheek, “give us your bloody mobile” I was like okay take it, but then next moment, dude I ain’t gonna give you, I just installed new os on it, & haven’t tested it yet. So I pushed those 3 people a little bit & then ran for the life, for the misery, for the absolution that would never come. We always run away from our problems, so that’s kinda our habit 🙂 And I am very good at it. I don’t know, he said later, this ‘run’ helped his legs to get some confidence & run too. So we kinda get rid of them after getting assaulted/robbed/kicked, & then asked for help to nearest fu***ng security guard, he said “I can’t leave, I am on my duty.”  WTF! So I arranged a bamboo somehow & then went onto same path, this is called being heroic,  see if we can find them, but in vain. He called police, & they said, “Why do you keep such expensive phones”,  just like “why do girls get out after 8 pm?”  And rest is history.

So was it amazing? You have no idea.  Is sitting in an a.c. room & writing an article, doing all that shitty talks about ‘how to make this place safe’ is enough? [ And finally, I don’t think, there is any point in repeating all that police, guard shit topic 🙂 ]

We can do two things either keep pouring in all this blood shit or can fight? I don’t know, whether I am the right person for doing any of this, but I am sure, next time anything like this happens => I am not gonna give up so easily or may be I can,  I just don’t know the future for god sake, but I am not. Whatever it takes, I know, I have to fight so I can die peacefully someday 🙂 [ Everyone is mortal, C’mon don’t tell me you didn’t know that. ]

We were no more hungry.
Please, live & let live 😦

Motivation to achieve something significant or Grapes are sour

Well How should I start, quite perplexed & yet don’t know the reason.

As they say, “There are two most important days in your life, when you were born & the other when you discover why you were born?” I think when you stay silent whether you stays for a minute or for hours, it’s not some general random thoughts that pops up into your mind.

“It’s personal choice, startups are hard.” And I was like damn I really am not in right position to comment/say anything. Well I never actually started anything so awesome.

“Startups are doomed to fail, it’s a risk, big risk.” I was like nothing is more fun than this, a great learning source, you get fame too & all that glitters. But it’s actually other way round.

“How much you work is not about you are increasing it’s success chance, but it’s about how much you are reducing it’s failure chance.”, he added. So does that mean, “You have to work to icnrease success chance to reduce failure chance, so is’nt it same?” “Actually not, 90% chances are that your startup will fail, now all you gotta do is to reduce this percentage.” Being naive is not bad thing but thinking that 90% chances are that you will succeed & working for 10% to increase that chances, that’s wrong. He was quite right actually. I never seriously thought about it.

Another thing that lies under all this but utterly important motivation. “Motivation to make a successful business”, but is it really a motivation? This looks pretty much like a goal, but it’s not actually. In other words, the thing that should “motivate is to see successful business some day, not that parents will be happy, friends will cheer for you, get fame & rich etc etc this is greed, change your motive.” That doesn’t mean this couldn’t be movtivation for someone, but not in real world a greed could be source of motivation. If you are working with someone that’s key point.

“You know my friend life’s a roller coaster with ups & downs.” Roller coaster is fun always but life’s not, moreover roller coasters’ ups & downs doesn’t effect other’s life but in real your ups & downs may do so. Well does that mean “it’s a different roller coaster with strings attached.” You get vibration at other end, if some unusual activity happens at this end. Day dreaming is somewhat different than keeping your motivation constant & focused. You may end up thinking grapes are sour or can be consistent to achieve your ultimate desire.

And I still don’t understand what would it take to get anything real out of my life, or it is just all about sticking to your goal that should also be your motivation. So does that mean if motivation & goal are different, you are dead? How it is different from self-actualization? When you try to convert those negative 90% into positive 90% but still just following remaining 10%, can it be desribed as motivation or when you are hungry & do what it takes to diminish your hunger? Motivation is not about being optimistic or be confused with emotion.“Motivation” to do something that arises from the intent of I can do something to “make the world a better place” is beautiful.

The motivation to do a startup has to be right. Motivation is whether you are ready to commit whatever it takes for an unknown time whatever be the result. Fire-fly burning in a fire, itself is a live/dead example of motivation, I think.

So this all started with a conversation between me & him.

Dude, I better hurry.

Blog Stats

This is actually very hard thing to do, for me at least, to get some time out & write Some things which I am thinking all the way down from no matter how long, may be a couple of years or months or weeks or days or hours or minutes or even seconds … but always when I start writing it’s fun to me. How fun, like I rarely see what I am typing because I can’t really do two things at a time either I can think or write or stare at the monitor to check spellings or type, of course [but typing doesn’t matter much] … so what I basically do is, close my eyes & start writing whatever comes into my mind , this way I can concentrate more on my thinking rather than my typing so that I  can write quickly & better, of course.
So this way I can save few minutes which I will surely waste somewhere else :-P. Anyways I am not pro blogger and I don’t wanna be either, because then I will loose fun part basically.

These are just some of blog’s stats :

  • 1,658 views all-time
  • 12 views today
  • 48 views on your busiest day,  April 25, 2010Posts: 34Comments: 1

    Categories: 4

    Tags: 44

    Site subscriptions: 3 active subscribers

    Comment subscriptions: 0 subscribers, 0 subscriptions

    That’s quite low but I told na, I am neither a pro blogger nor a regular one but trying to be, now … 🙂 I dream to get loads of comments & visitors one day too 😉 It is said na, “Someday we gonna rise up on that wind you knowSomeday we gonna dance with those lions.” But sometimes I think, “Dude, it’s been more than two years & you wrote only this much, bus etna hi… shame on you:-D.” There are people like skbohra who get around same number of views I have total in few hours :-). Then I think miles to go before I sleep.  Touch-wood 🙂 feeling sleepy zzz…

Being at delly

As they says, “This is the place where shit happens! and yeah dilwalo ki dilli.” But literally I never found it dilwalo ki. Anyways I eventually took some time out to write what’s been overdue since months ^_^

Good Gracious, I went through real life in past few months & process continues hopefully. It’s looks as if tomorrow, I am sleeping in the bed [Snoring may be sometimes, as he used to complaint… But I don’t think so.] with no worries, no race, no dust, no shine, no dark even like life is running so smoothly as is the ocean before storm comes. Really this was the peace that prevails in the surroundings, never letting you know what’s been waiting for you …how dark it could be for some or not. But eventually fare-thee-well.

Whatever be the reason, I landed in the city with whatever targets are no more targets, are no more reasons, all I have is empty cup to fill myself with whatever comes in, because as Jackie Chan says, “How can you drop something into the cup, if it is already fill?”

Most importantly money speaks in this city, if you come Delhi searching for India, damn you are at wrong place, It’s just another place called capital of India, still figuring out … should it be? A place where on the road you will find 3 years old child playing in the mud and on the other hand a car passes by throwing mud at him again & he is still playing … a place where blue line buses is known as Delhi Metro … a place where looting is the synonym of happiness … a place where that “aunty” can threaten you to send you to Jail, just because she wears googles, goes in kitties  & knows some policemen and most importantly you are not giving her money for not sending you jail or at least pretends because she wears $5 sun glasses :-/ 😕 … a place where people don’t have word ‘humanity’ in their dictionaries … a place where a Gandhiji is more important than alive person … a place where air is polluted not by vehicles or etc but by selfish nerves … a place you may be eaten because papi pet ka sawal h yaar [why don’t you understand?]… a place where lives by literate idiots who think themselves as genius …  a place where actually shit happens …

Somehow I still remember Darwin’s law of Evolution 🙂 and few days back *sigh*, I joined a place to hack myself more, again a place, helping me out to fill that cup & where people talks in terms of  modules” …  a place  where people make module for each & every aspect of their life wherever they think needs customization, because this way helps them to remove that module completely whenever they want to, leaving no sign in their life & ease upgrading later. #life #sign … a place where they laugh, they hear, they speak, they think, they sleep, they code & most importantly they eat and so do I … 

Anyways lot to see yet, hope I will continue writing frequently now, even if you read it or not oO.Oo